I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
