I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
