Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
