Plan B is the new Plan A
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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