you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
