ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
