Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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