and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize