I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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