I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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