Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
