I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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