exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
