I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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