my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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