Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
