some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize