Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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