i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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