he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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