Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
