So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
