she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
