You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
