I hate all girls vehemently.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
