i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
