i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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