get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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