Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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