The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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