grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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