I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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