I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
