There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
