My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize