wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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