my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
