Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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