i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
