I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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