Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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