I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
