well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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