I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
