Will you blow on my dice?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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