So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
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