420 ftw
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Randomize
