Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
