he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
