im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize