You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I want a musical about memes.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
