I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
