so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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