i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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