I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
