im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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