My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
