Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
